My bread journey continues

A while ago I baked some bread. Link. It didn't go exactly to plan, it tasted ok though. I've had a few more goes since then.

The first was following a recipe on the flour packet. 

The house smelt more bready than it had before. This time the dough rose and it was less dense. And it tasted great. 

A work colleague told me he baked a yeast free loaf. So this second version used self raising flour and appletiser. 

I expressed surprise at the inclusion of this sparkling apple drink. But went ahead the next weekend when the spelt loaf was finished.

A little burnt on top. Very crunchy, and tasty. And lighter, even if it doesn't look like it. 

This did mean I had two packets of flour. I decided to do what some commercial bakers do; create a 50/50 loaf, using all the items I now had in my cupboard. They combine wholemeal and white flour, my bread was a little more "radical".

 

The first sign that this new "Frankenstein" loaf might be different was after the second proving stage. I had kneaded it, left it to rise. Then kneaded again and left it to rise in the bread tin. The dough was overflowing. I gathered the extra flow and scooped it back into the mix. Placing it in the oven I was not sure how this was going to turn out. Would it burst out all over? What shape would it grow into? 

 

spelt and self raising flour loaf cooling

 

The house had the best "bready" smell so far as it baked. So an initial win.

spelt and self raising flour loaf sliced

I am really impressed with how it tastes, it's the lightest so far and still has a nice crunchy crust.

I'm going to get a bigger bread tin so that I can produce a loaf closer to shop bought size.

 

 

Loss and grief

This a deeply personal post. It's taken a long time to write. Although I have talked about it face to face and have started to come to terms with my loss. I needed to also write about my thoughts and feelings. It is what this blog has evolved into afterall. And as I have hoped in the past; it may help others. 

I wrote this using the terms us and we. I can't in reality know what Marcia was thinking. We did talk a little, but she wanted to keep her thoughts to herself, and I respected that.

She had Multiple Sclerosis for nearly the whole time I knew her. It's affects took many years to manifest themselves. That was the first loss and grief we experienced. We had lost part of what Marcia had been. She didn't let it affect her everyday life. Despite the limitations that had been imposed.

Over the years the progression took more, adaption and to an extent and acceptance allowed us to get by. 

Then the diagnosis of cancer landed on us. Again a certain amount of acceptance and resignation overtook us.

It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. At first the outlook was better than expected. But there were consequences. Marcia couldn't support herself to sit up, and her hands and arms were almost completely immobilised. Assistance with eating and drinking was required. I ensured I visited for at least one meal time each day.

Various infections would come and go, causing temporary escalations in symptoms.

At the beginning of December a move to a care home for rehabilitation seemed to be a positive step forward. But after a week Marcia started to feel very unwell. A trip to A&E followed.

Then the news confirming what we had both worried about. The cancer had returned, spread extensively and was now untreatable.

After this it was back to dealing with the everyday stuff. Making sure she was comfortable and being as normal as possible. 

I found myself looking forward to the new year. As is normal during December. That's when it really hit; I'd not have Marcia with me. We were married for 26 years, and had been a couple for a few more previously.

It's okay to have shed some tears while reading this, I did while writing.

Please take away from this some thoughts:

Don't let anger or resentment of others control you. Or take up your time; it's too precious and fleeting.

Laugh more.

Talk more. Incredible people in our lives meant so much to us. And still do to me. I could not have coped without them. 

Don't always take life too seriously.

Don't waste time and energy competing with and comparing yourself to others over houses, cars, holidays and money.

Cherish the people in your lives.

I feel very raw and in pain at the moment. But I know this will pass. Eventually I will be able to focus on the joy having Marcia in my life brought me. And the memories we created between us and with others.

I will always love Marcia; not having her physically with me won't change that.

Thank you to everyone who improved our lives by being part of it.

Let's talk cycling apparel

It's winter so here is another post about what I wear on the bike. The first time was Sept 2020. Link. I had just started my journey into cycling specific clothing. And I was pretty unimpressed, especially with the items bought to keep me warm and dry. Priory to this I wore shorts and a t-shirt, or jogging bottoms and a normal jacket when the sun wasn't out. I got sweaty in the heat; cold and wet for the other 50 weeks of the year. And at times I must have looked very scruffy. It's debatable I look better in my current wardrobe, but at least it's functionable.

In the intervening three years I've bought more clothing. My opinion hasn't changed much. One example was a very expensive rain jacket bought during an end of production sale. It doesn't keep me protected from the rain and I get soaked in sweat. Both promises made by the manufacturer.

I've added to my glove collection too. An expensive pair let in water and allowed windchill. A pair from Stolen Goat showed great promise. But their longevity was short. They now leak and my hands freeze.

The latest acquisition is from Galibier. They are a little more bulky when compared to the Stolen Goats, but not overly so. The digits, especially the thumb could be longer. I guess I could have gone up a size, but then the hand part would have been too big. I have mostly mitigated this by adjusting the levers to reduce their reach. Importantly they work. I'll have to wait to test their durability. 

I also bought a jacket from them. And would you believe it; I didn't get soaked in sweat. I wasn't completely moist free, it doesn't employ magic in the manufacturing process. But it's noticeably better than anything I've owned before. Admittedly my longest ride so far is just over 20 miles. I bought a size small, and the fit is just right. Not so tight I can't wear layers underneath, not so loose it flaps about in the wind. It's also bright blue. Most others are only available in black.

I've started running to bring some variety. But I don't have any specific clothing. So I wore a long sleeved base layer, a short sleeved cycling jersey and the jacket. It drizzled for most of the route and I was a little overdressed. It didn't let in any rain, and allowed most of the sweat to escape. 

The little side pocket is a genius idea.

In summary: I haven't worn them in very heavy rain, but they do keep me just the right amount of warm.

Zzzzzz

Sleep is very important. It's when the body recovers and rebuilds. Lack of it causes many longterm problem both physically and mentally. 

I often read that as we age sleep duration shortens. I don't think it's because we need less, although I'm no expert. It seems that lower levels of the hormone melatonin and a less precise hypothalamus can make it difficult. The amount of deep sleep is also reduced; this is the period when the magic happens.

I don't drink caffeine in the afternoon, and try to keep to a sleep schedule. I still wake most mornings a little fatigued. I also follow a pattern. Many nights I'll awake after five or six hours, around 4 am, and not be able to return to slumber. I'll get up and have breakfast, watch the television or youtube, often I'll start writing a blog post. And start my day. It's not ideal because it means there is a long time until lunch. Then after a few nights like this I'll sleep solidly for eight or nine hours, and feel a little more refreshed. Then start the cycle again. The only problem is when a short night coincides with a busy day, I'll often increase caffeine consumption to three cups, still trying not to drink any in the pm. This works most of the time.

This morning was a little unusual, I got up at 4 am and had my normal oats and fruit, with a coffee. This prompted the idea for the post, after watching youtube for about forty five minutes I went back to bed. The alarm went off a six, I silenced it and unusually for me went back to sleep. Waking at 7 am I had just enough time for a session on the bike trainer, some cardio and to get ready for work. Drinking another coffee as I sat writing this.

I wrote about calories and mood, maybe when they are consummed has an affect. Is hunger waking me? I eat my last meal at around 4 pm before visiting Marcia in hospital. So I think this is a contributing factor. The alternative is to eat quite late, which can have a detrimental affect on being ready for siesta time.

Unfortunately starting my day so early does mean it's a long wait for my next meal. I get very hungry as the morning passes. When Marcia comes home I'll have a better daily routine, and hopefully see an improvement.

Fatigued

What's the usual assumption when you hear fatigued? I bet it's physical exhaustion. I do feel this. But it's most likely, for me, to mean mental depletion. 

I know what causes it: monotony; every day seems the same, isolation; my life lacks face-to-face interaction, cold weather; the motivation to get out waines. 

All of this contributes to me doing less exercise. Which if I'm not careful causes a spiral that is progressively harder to break out of.

Lately I have been hit hard, and have modified my routine to cope.

I used to ride ten miles on the trainer after breakfast during the week. Using the social rides at the weekend to lift me. Gradually energy levels dropped, so I reduced the garage sessions to seven and sometimes five miles. I became concerned and added a lunchtime walk. But the temperature plummeted recently the weekend socials have been paused. A double whammy of demotivation. I can't do much to improve the chats without hastening the onset of spring. So I've added variety. Yesterday I went for a run. The last time I did this, it hurt. My non-cycling muscles and tendons objected in a big way. This time I had different new running shoes, which I think helped a lot. I returned without pain. Today my muscles were just a little tight, which is a good sign. It means they are adapting to new stimulus. 

And more importantly it's given me a lift.

I'll be running once a week to start. With a goal of doing a marathon to celebrate my 60th in a couple of years time. There; I've said it. Can't back out now.

Just writing this all down has also made me feel better. 

I've said it before, I hope my words help others. This blog helps me immensely too. It's a place to get my thoughts together, just like exercise does. Maybe also to hold myself to account. 

I don't know exactly what it does. I know that I want it to be a positive place. It should be an inspiration not a road map. You don't have to follow what I do. I may change my mind about some of it. 

If nothing else it should illustrate a scenario or process that made a difference to me.

Calories and mood

I've recently had trouble maintaining my weight. You might think that would be great; not for me. I was already where I wanted to be. Looking for a reason for my low mood and motivation I considered the tough last few months and worsening weather.

I now realise it has more to do with calories than I appreciated. 

This will perhaps not come as a surprise to my family and friends. They have said for a long time that I was perhaps losing too much weight. I countered that I am the ideal BMI, and healthy. Society nowadays has accepted heavier than is healthy as normal. Having said that I don't want to cause myself any problems, or health issues.

Over the last couple of days I have increased my food intake, and it's made a difference. I do feel a little more positive; despite my situation not changing.

I've had variable endurance, especially on faster club rides. Reviewing my meal logs I can see that weeks where I was consistently not meeting my needs resulted in disappointing performance. 

Science, as I understand it, says lower intensity longer lasting exercise uses fat reserves and intervals of high load, carbohydrates. Well I don't carry much fat and so I must be using carbs to fuel most of my efforts. I'm also in danger of losing muscle mass; in addition to the amount lost due to advancing age.

I seem to sleep better when I eat more. It would be easy to just eat calorie dense foods, but that tends to be more processed than I like, and/or none vegan. I kid you not, some meals barely fit on my plate.

As always it's a work in progress, that I am now getting right more often.