Every day is different.

It's been four months since Marcia died. My emotions are all over the place.

It's a mix of missing her, denial, shock at how quickly time has past, guilt at being happy, guilt at not being happy, guilt for feeling numb, guilt for getting on with my life, guilt at not getting on with my life, guilt for being upset and emotional, guilt for not being upset and unemotional.

I have family and friends with whom to talk this through. They visit me or I go to them. Great neighbours that I spend time with is massively helpful.  

I know I'll feel better in time. But I do wish the feelings would stop, or maybe stabilise. Is that another reason to feel guilty?

Thankfully I'm sleeping pretty well. I've increased the exercise I do and call it a day at roughly the same every evening, which I'm sure helps.

If I have a particularly bad day my employer understands and lets me have some time. In the early days this could be a whole day, now though I can usually get myself together in an hour or two. I go for a walk, ride or run, sometimes just a coffee at my local Coughlans.

There is an underlying empty feeling that I don't think will ever go. I'm not sure I want to lose it.

I'm confused by these swirling thoughts; are they okay to feel? Is it okay not to feel them?

I know people say whatever I think or however I cope is appropriate for me. And they are right; their words and actions help.

I guess ultimately the saying that time is a great healer is spot-on. But I don't think I want to be healed, not completely. 

My thoughts are moving from being focused on Marcia's last few days, which were the worst of my life. 

To all the great days and normal days we had together. Both are precious to me. The laughs and tears; times we just existed together.

I value my time in a way I don't think I did before. No one dwells on the fact that it's such a limited resource. Now I dread the future, and look forward to it. I want to keep busy, and doing nothing. To spend time with music forming a bubble of sound around me. Plan visits with friends and family, time on my own.

Food for thought

 

I have recently dealt with the worst period of my life. And whilst it's a long way from over; it has caused me to consider where I am in regards to my depression.

Somehow I found the energy to continue: a clear enough mind to deal with problems, and a positive inner voice when I needed it. 

There were many days that I didn't have the above. But I was never so down that I couldn't turn things around after a little time had passed.

A very good support network was essential to this. But was there something else involved? 

I tried to remember when I first noticed an improvement. It was around this post.

When I read a few posts before this one I can appreciate there may have been changes happening for a while leading up to it.

The most obvious change was my dialogue with people around me.

As I thought about it I realised that there could have been something else - my diet.

I became a vegan in the middle of 2021; don't click away. Hear me out.

I changed my lifestyle primarily because of the harm done to animals by providing the products used in our society. Then because of the affect the industry has on the environment. As I read more I came to realise the detrimental impact they could have on me.

While there is no single magic bullet food that can cure depression, a healthy diet can be an important part of an overall treatment plan.

Foods that may help with depression:

• Fruits and vegetables: These are rich in antioxidants and other nutrients that are essential for brain health.
• Whole grains: Whole grains help to regulate blood sugar levels, which can improve mood.
• Healthy fats: Healthy fats, such as those found in fish, nuts, and avocados, are important for brain function. Fish can contain saturated fat plus toxins absorbed from the smaller fish they eat. The industry isn't sustainable and is a big polluter.
  
• Protein helps to produce neurotransmitters, which are the chemicals that carry messages in the brain.
  
• Probiotics: Probiotics are live bacteria that are beneficial for gut health. Some studies have shown that probiotics may also improve mood. Rather than drinking these I'd suggest you eat fermented foods. A plant based high in fibre will also aid this. Some examples are:  

1. Sauerkraut: This fermented cabbage is a good source of probiotics, but choose unpasteurized varieties to ensure that the live bacteria are still present.  
2. Miso: A fermented soybean paste that is a common ingredient in Japanese cuisine. Miso is a good source of probiotics and also contains prebiotics, which are fibers that help to feed the good bacteria in your gut.  
3. Tempeh: A fermented soybean cake that is a good source of plant-based protein and probiotics. 
4. Kimchi: A fermented Korean dish made from vegetables, typically napa cabbage and radish. Kimchi is a good source of probiotics and vitamin C.  
5. Kombucha: A fermented tea drink that is becoming increasingly popular. Kombucha is a good source of probiotics and may also offer other health benefits, such as improved digestion and boosted immunity.

Foods that may worsen depression:

• Ultra processed foods: often high in sugar, unhealthy fats, and refined carbohydrates. They can lead to inflammation in the body, which has been linked to depression. I've cut these out of my diet. 
• Sugary drinks: Sugary drinks can cause blood sugar levels to spike and then crash, which can lead to mood swings and irritability. This includes fruit juices, touted as healthy; they aren't.
• Caffeine: Too much caffeine can increase anxiety and make it difficult to sleep, which can worsen depression symptoms. I do drink coffee, but no more than three cups and rarely after midday.
• Alcohol: Alcohol is a depressant that can worsen symptoms of depression. This was easy for me.  When out with friends it's just water. I haven't missed it. When I have drunk a beer, it reaffirms my choice. What is the point of booze?

This isn't about me saying you should become vegan. But I would ask that you look beyond the media headlines. Investigate what I have written, and make up your own mind.

The benefits, as I understand them, are many and affect not just animals, but the planet we live on as well as personal health.

I know this is largely anecdotal, and is to an extent how I perceive the effects. And it has taken some adjustment but I think it's been worth it.

Negativity

Life is tough. It can be hard to cope. It can feel like you have no control or influence.

Part of how I made a change was to remove negativity.

Social media was a big factor. It's too easy to follow a downward spiral of reading and engaging in other people's problems. I don't mean ignore their pleas for help or support though. I don't get involved in the arguments they have, the promotion of only the dark side of every situation. 

I don't participate in group discussions about others. If their actions or inactions cause stress then time I spend talking is unproductive. It perpetuates that negativity, so I don't invest my energy.

It's not easy to change, it took many years.

This blog helped me to see it, and slowly alter my internal monologue.

My process for a post is to start with a title and then random sentences. I'll often leave it and return a number of times over a week or sometimes longer. Slowly it will make sense and have a structure. I try not to make it into a list of actions or instructions. 

As I read, alter and re-read it I remove negativity. The first time I wrote about my depression was here. It was a watershed moment. It allowed me to really think about the direction I was going. To reflect on what I allowed my inner voice to say. 

I've written many since then. Link.

Gradually I noticed a change in what I wrote and thought. I had slowly reprogrammed myself. I still have dark moments, days or weeks. But I don't feed them by seeking out anything that might reinforce those feelings.

Fatigued

What's the usual assumption when you hear fatigued? I bet it's physical exhaustion. I do feel this. But it's most likely, for me, to mean mental depletion. 

I know what causes it: monotony; every day seems the same, isolation; my life lacks face-to-face interaction, cold weather; the motivation to get out waines. 

All of this contributes to me doing less exercise. Which if I'm not careful causes a spiral that is progressively harder to break out of.

Lately I have been hit hard, and have modified my routine to cope.

I used to ride ten miles on the trainer after breakfast during the week. Using the social rides at the weekend to lift me. Gradually energy levels dropped, so I reduced the garage sessions to seven and sometimes five miles. I became concerned and added a lunchtime walk. But the temperature plummeted recently the weekend socials have been paused. A double whammy of demotivation. I can't do much to improve the chats without hastening the onset of spring. So I've added variety. Yesterday I went for a run. The last time I did this, it hurt. My non-cycling muscles and tendons objected in a big way. This time I had different new running shoes, which I think helped a lot. I returned without pain. Today my muscles were just a little tight, which is a good sign. It means they are adapting to new stimulus. 

And more importantly it's given me a lift.

I'll be running once a week to start. With a goal of doing a marathon to celebrate my 60th in a couple of years time. There; I've said it. Can't back out now.

Just writing this all down has also made me feel better. 

I've said it before, I hope my words help others. This blog helps me immensely too. It's a place to get my thoughts together, just like exercise does. Maybe also to hold myself to account. 

I don't know exactly what it does. I know that I want it to be a positive place. It should be an inspiration not a road map. You don't have to follow what I do. I may change my mind about some of it. 

If nothing else it should illustrate a scenario or process that made a difference to me.

Calories and mood

I've recently had trouble maintaining my weight. You might think that would be great; not for me. I was already where I wanted to be. Looking for a reason for my low mood and motivation I considered the tough last few months and worsening weather.

I now realise it has more to do with calories than I appreciated. 

This will perhaps not come as a surprise to my family and friends. They have said for a long time that I was perhaps losing too much weight. I countered that I am the ideal BMI, and healthy. Society nowadays has accepted heavier than is healthy as normal. Having said that I don't want to cause myself any problems, or health issues.

Over the last couple of days I have increased my food intake, and it's made a difference. I do feel a little more positive; despite my situation not changing.

I've had variable endurance, especially on faster club rides. Reviewing my meal logs I can see that weeks where I was consistently not meeting my needs resulted in disappointing performance. 

Science, as I understand it, says lower intensity longer lasting exercise uses fat reserves and intervals of high load, carbohydrates. Well I don't carry much fat and so I must be using carbs to fuel most of my efforts. I'm also in danger of losing muscle mass; in addition to the amount lost due to advancing age.

I seem to sleep better when I eat more. It would be easy to just eat calorie dense foods, but that tends to be more processed than I like, and/or none vegan. I kid you not, some meals barely fit on my plate.

As always it's a work in progress, that I am now getting right more often. 

Searching for Success

Being successful means the achievement of desired visions and planned goals.

For too many I think it's more about the trappings. They have a big house, an expensive car, lots of holidays. They are trapped into trying to maintain or improve these aspects. And comparing to others.

This is not for me.

How do I measure my achievements?

Looking at the above; I have a house, a car that fits my needs, holidays with my wife and on the bike. None of which I spend any time comparing to anyone.

I must have reached my goals; right?

I don't feel that I have. What am I missing?

I have other markers on my journey. Keep kit and healthy, look after my wife as best I can, be available to help family and friends, do well at work. I think and hope I'm on course for these.

So why is there a hole? Why do I feel unfulfilled? How many others feel this way?

I don't usually end a post with questions. But I don't have any answers.

S.A.D

Seasonal affective disorder. I suspect most experience it some degree at this time of year. It's cold and the view out of the window is dominated by wind and rain. With every passing day I fell lower. The session in the garage on the trainer keeps me active but it doesn't satisfy. Knowing the potential for the weekend weather to be bad makes it worse. But of course I'm getting very little natural light, a trigger for S.A.D. It means that Friday afternoon rides are harder to motivate for, even though they are vital for my mood. With this in mind I arranged to meet a good mate. He comes from north of the river so it seemed Greenwich with it's pedestrian tunnel under the Thames would be ideal location. As the day drew closer, and especially when I awoke to heavy rain I was close to cancelling. I knew I'd get a big boost, so I didn't. And as we sat outside a cafe on a quiet corner of the covered Greenwich Market it was the right decision, even though it rained for the first twenty minutes of my route.

The ride home was dry and warmer, I even made it before the rush hour became too intense.

I have doubts that without a coffee arranged I would have gotten out, and I'd have felt more depressed about that.

It was a similar experience on Saturday, it was cold by the club had a ride organised to a very nice cafe.

And Sunday was a ride to meet another good friend.

A positive weekend to end another tough week.

Finding the time

 

When I am faced with new tasks. The default response is; how I am going to do it? 

Thinking about my day it seems that I fit a lot in, especially at the moment. Every use of my time has a priority

What does my day comprise?

Eating, sleeping, exercise, visiting Marcia in hospital, shopping, working and household chores/gardening. You could add; reading, watching television, writing on this blog, and listening to music.

The priorites I apply are:

Eating.

Sleeping.

Visiting Marcia in hospital.

Exercise. Riding my bike is the main one. It also gives me contact with friends.

Working.

Shopping.

Writing on this blog

Reading. I listen to music at the same time.

Watching television; or more likely youtube. I have built a list of vlogers whose style I like.

Household chores/gardening. The garden areas are becoming what I like to call a nature reserve.

The top three don't move, the next two are unlikely to change, and the others are shuffled as necessary.

If a new item is added to the list it's position is determined by importance.

Not doing the above can mean I begin to feel overwhelmed and out of control.

It's not always easy to keep everything as I want it. Sometimes I feel like dropping one of the important items; exercising being the most likely candidate. But there is a reason for the position it holds and I push myself to do it. Everything else is possible because of this activity. That might sound over dramatic; if you have read a few of my posts though; you'll know what I mean.

If I have missed a session I miss that boost. If the day has been particularly bad and I've worked out in the morning; by the evening I can still feel really down and dispondent. That's when I call my sister Michelle. We chat for a while, maybe have a bit of a cry and I start to feel better. I'm not afraid to write about tears. It's what happens and it helps. For too long men have been conditioned to contain and not admit to have feelings. And that's a toxic position to hold. I have many people I can talk to; I'm very lucky. But we all need that one person we can completely open up to, and that person is Michelle.

Conflicted

The weather has improved, so I'm riding more. I've got plans for adventures on my bike. So why am I unsure about my motives?

Let me explain.

I love riding my bike, both on my own and with others. I enjoy the feeling of achievement when I push myself. Chatting to others. The look of amazement when I tell non cyclists how far I've gone. Keeping fit. I can forget my worries for a while.

But...

I worry it's too big a part of who I am, how I see myself. That it defines me. 

Am I forcing myself to ride further, faster, everyday because I don't have anything else?

I know I have great family and friends and that they allow me to by who I want. And to ride as much as I need.

Lately though I have been questioning how much time I devote to it.

I'm conflicted; every ride seems to need a purpose. Where as it use to be enough just to get out. I didn't really think about how far or how long.

Part of me says go for a few hours, another counters with "that's too far" or "that's not far enough". 

Yesterday was a case in point; a bank holiday. Where to go, should I stop at a cafe, another big ride or keep it short?

In the end I settled for 36 miles, with a stop at a new to me cafe. It's part of a winey/brewery. It was nice to sit and relax. 

The clouds looked threatening, but it wasn't cold so all was almost right with the world. Unfortunately the coffee was dreadful. It tasted like a bad instant, which was disappointing because it came from a proper machine.

I think from now on I'll just be more relaxed about the whole thing. I will be slower too, I do very quickly fall into a habit of pressing hard on the pedals too much of the time. I have to remind myself to do this as I ride. I don't need to feel exhausted everytime I get home.

 

 

What is depression?

For me it's an umbrella term. 

I'll start this by saying I'm no expert, these are just my thoughts.

Depression doesn't just mean feeling low, unmotivated and unsure of the future. 

Anxiety, stress, low self esteem; they all contribute. 

The voice that says your aren't good enough, you won't succeed, your lack of skill or knowledge will be found out.

They all swirl around, maybe not always front and center affecting my life. Sometimes it will be just one symptom. And I can cope, other times they gang up and present more of a challenge.

 

A better definition of depression would be that it depresses quality of life, it stops you seeing and reaching your potential. It limits you, applies blinkers and reigns you in.

When it gets bad I stop looking too far ahead. 

 

Are there goals I can achieve that are closer?

Are there causes of stress or anxiety that I can't control?

What can I control?

Perhaps the hardest is to remember my successes. Why are mistakes so crystal clear and easy to recall?

I also look for distractions, probably a bit controversial this one. A mindfulness course leader said this is not a good tactic. But it works for me. I get on my bike and pedal and gain perspective. Especially at the end of a working day I can switch off; most of the time. Having a stresser in my head isn't healthy. I don't sleep or relax, both build over time to then affect all parts of my life. Maybe it's why I'm feeling the way I'm at the moment. Too much is getting in the way of cycling, or making it difficult.

I start the process of boxing up my issues and worries. 

Each box has a label: needs to be sorted soon, can be kept closed for a while, I can't resolve the contents, and not important.

I live for lists: partly because my memory isn't great, but also to cope. I feel less overwhelmed if I have  a plan. I'm sure a lot of people who know me wonder why I always need to see the future and work to rules or instructions. It's because if these are in place, I can then stop worrying about it.

 

It mainly comes down feeling in control. I am anxious because I haven't at least planned what I might do. Even if I'm not sure of the solution, I need a next step or task.

Recovery

I write this as I rest from the week long ride to Cornwall and back. 

I gained a lot from it: 

Proof of my recovery.

A good indication of where my physical limits may be.

And possibly most important to me; that I have more control over myself and how I react to life.

I am stronger mentally than I had thought.

The week before this adventure I had a telephone mental health counseling session. Beforehand I filled in a survey that would form the basis of the conversation.

It was questions I had used before previous therapies. This time I found myself surprised by my answers. I seemed to be choosing more positive responses. I wanted to be honest so ticked boxes with my first reactions.

When the therapists called it was the first thing about which she remarked. I had gone from a score indicating a very depressed person to one who had little indication of a problem.

We talked about what had happened to possibly cause such a change. I suspected it was my broken hip; let me explain. 

Looking back at the immediate aftermath I hadn't really broken down and regressed mentally as I might have expected. I was disappointed with the result of the x-rays and scans. With a bit of a big dip when told by the consultant that there could be lasting implications. 

But those feelings didn't last. I think this was partly because the day after the surgery I had a visit from a physio. He said I could get out of bed if I wanted, and using a frame move around the ward. I had some exercises to reduce the swelling and stiffness. I could do as much as I wanted. So I did; spending all of my time whilst in bed flexing my leg. The rest "walking" around the ward. I saw small improvements each day.

The next two weeks were a rollercoaster for sure; with some very dark times. I was very frustrated at the limits imposed on me. But I never gave into thoughts that I wouldn't fully recover, I just needed to work hard enough, it was down to me.

I said to my therapist that the experience had maybe taught me that I was a better, stronger person than I believed. This was helped by feedback I was getting from family, friends and my cycling club. Everyone was congratulating me on my progress, encouraging me to push on. The difference this time was my reaction to the words. In the past I would have told myself they were just platitudes; not true of me.

As I reached a new milestone those words took on my resonance, and without me realising were reinforcing my positive inner conversation.

I reduced the priority given to my negative monologue.

The discussion was so positive that we agreed that I could put future meetings on hold for now. I had the tools to recognise the start of a downward trajectory, and turn it around.

I'm not saying I am cured, but that I am better than I've been for a very long time. It's like a switch had been flicked to a new position.

We concluded that whilst crashing a bike was maybe not a recognised treatment for depression. It had had a positive outcome for me.

I keep saying this. Talking has been the deciding factor in my turnaround. 

If I hadn't done so, the outcome of my crash, and life's pressures in general could have produced a very different result.

It's why I rode to raise money for Mind. They promote talking, crucially providing resources for those who don't have the support network I am lucky to have.

Thank you to everyone involved over the last few years since I started my recovery.

Planning future memories

I found a video on youtube about depression. And why it might be on the increase.

Here is a link to it. Watch it and come back to this page.

It got me thinking.

I have family and friends, I have a support network, I have a great employer. They all contribute to an environment that very much includes me.

But; I still feel lonely. I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. The responsibilty of looking out for others.

It's not new, I've been like this for a very long time, much longer than I realised.

It's not all of the time, there are periods when I feel great.

Other times it feels like I have too much to do.

I have always had a feeling of not quiet belonging, those around me would have had no idea. Why would they? I was part of their group, and they were inclusive.

The last two years have allowed this thoughts to grow, become more prominent. I have gotten better at dealing with it though.

But it doesn't stop those dark days: when I back away from social situations, convince myself it's just me and listen to the voice that says no-one would understand.

I can't blame social media for it all, I don't use it to replace relationships. If anything it helps me keep connected with people. But it doesn't build shared experiences, memories that can be relived.

They are what really count. Talking about old times is when I know I'm in a good place, surrounded by good people. Planning future memories with those groups lifts me. 

It's what social media can't do, for me at least. And maybe for most people. It doesn't fulfil a need. It gives the illusion of sharing and building memories, that can feel inclusive. But ultimately they have happened without a wider group participation. You're just seeing a snapshot through another's eyes.

You can't beat face-to-face experiences. Going into winter this will happen less often, I cope until the warm spring and summer days return.

If you're reading this and thinking; what can I do? Just continue to be supportive as you have always been. This is very much a window on what is sometimes going on inside my head.

Thanks everyone, looking forward to creating memories.

Supported causes

 

Last week I rode over 100 miles for the charity Mind. This week I took delivery of a jersey in support of a site providing a hub for mental health. Take a look. It encourages talking, and removing the stigmare still surrounding mental health.

It's not a sign of weakness to admit you need help, a lot of the time you just need to talk. The listener only needs to do that, a solution is not always needed. Talking can reduce loneliness, our minds can build very effective walls. I couldn't have breached mine without help. And that didn't really start until I wrote about my experiences. I guess I wasn't ready to let anyone in to my world until then.

There are some powerful stories in the interviews, Nick speaks very well about his story.

I had talked to my doctor about what I was going through; maybe I didn't express myself well enough, or downplayed how bad I was feeling. The advice I got was to find a less stressful job. 

There is a great sense of achievement knowing I pretty much helped myself in the early days. Arranging a short Cognative Behavioural Therapy course confirmed I had been moving in the right direction. The big step forward was definitely talking.

You'll also notice the picture is a very rare "selfie" in the jersey bought to highlight and help ASCND. Taken on the bench where I had sat in March 2020 and admitted to myself that I needed to talk.

If you're unsure about your mental health, seek help. I think doctors are better at this now. Go to the Mind website.

The CBT course I attended was booked online.

A light at the end of the tunnel

 

Lately I have had more good days than bad. Maybe it's the improving weather, although May has been very wet. Maybe I'm getting better at dealing with depressive thoughts.

The good days take me by surprise, I'll notice that I'm in an upbeat mood. Stressers aren't having their normal affect, I feel less tired and am able to focus. The next day I could be feeling low again, but nothing will have changed. It's possibly the most frustrating aspect of depression for me; if I knew what triggered the swing up, I could concentrate on that.

I have been taking the power to affect me away from others, be less influenced by what they might think. 

It's very easy to be overwhelmed by negativity, the news and social media can be a loud voice pushing the dark side of life. I unfollow or unfriend if I just see posts that aren't helping me. Or when they have formed an opinion that can't be reasoned with. You don't have to agree with me, but that shouldn't stop you listening.

The picture for this post is a good illustration of the present. I'm moving forward, I may not be out of the tunnel, but it's not as dark as it was. And I'm not alone, people are willing to help me towards the exit.

Two voices

A couple of weeks ago I had a tough and great weekend.

The good bit; I saw mum, my sister and family, I even cycled over there. Really pleased that I did, not only because I haven't seen them for six months. It was also nearly as fast as driving would have been; heavy traffic most of the way. It was great riding past so many stationary cars. I didn't get soaked until the homeward journey. I think just over an hour on my mountain bike covering 15 miles each way is very satisfactory.

The bad bit; starting on Friday I didn't sleep much, I was tired, but just couldn't let go. I don't know what I was thinking or worried about that kept me awake.

I tried a hot drink, reading, just laying in bed staring at the ceiling was never going to work. Sunday was an early start, I had arranged a sportive, the subject of a previous post. I enjoyed the ride, but wasn't that feed up that it ended early. I even gave my bike a thorough clean when I got home. If only I hadn't lost my gloves. Probably left on the wall when we stopped to assess the failed brakes.

But when Monday rolled round, I was knackered and feeling very low. I survived the week, gradually feeling better each day. More in this post.

There is a voice that tells me I did well, but I ignore it. The other voice saying the opposite is much more persuasive. I have to listen to the positive one.

I need to give myself a break, not be so critical. And accept praise when it comes my way.

There are other parts to this: imposter syndrome, always being convinced I just said something that will make people avoid or dislike me, being over critical, over thinking.

I know most people experience these from time to time; they can't be allowed to dominate, that's my problem.

Salvation, medication, escapism

Cycling; what does it mean to me?

Regular readers may already know most of the answer, or maybe all of it. I have written much about cycling. Where I go, what I wear and ride.

For the past week I have been on the indoor bike, I had a close encounter with a couple of deer. I'm okay now, no need to worry. I had to buy a new helmet and jacket which meant a delay until I could return to the road.

It got me thinking again about my reasons for turning those pedals.

It's not about where I go, or what I ride; it's the three words in the title of this post. I get all of them as I travel nowhere in the garage, just as much as when the view is constantly changing. Outside is easier to get motivated for.

I'm lucky, I don't have to travel anywhere by bike; the shops I need are at most a forty-five minute round trip away on foot. I work from home, so no commute.

I choose to ride, solo at present, it will be good to be with others again. We can meet and sit at a distance, but it's not the same as chatting over coffee and cake in a cafe.

Another short post this week. I tend to write about a specific subject matter lately. The random musings will I guess return when the general happenings start again. Like group rides with Oxted Cycling Club and of course the much anticipated Moof IT Cycling Club get togethers. Moof IT CC has three members, and even club jerseys.

                     

 It should be noted, we don't look as athletic as the design drawing might have you believe.

Looking for a purpose, or mid life crisis?

What is my purpose?

I'm really struggling with motivation and part of the problem may be that I feel directionless. Is being useful the same as having a purpose, or is it more complicated than that?

What are my goals? To continue working, and do as much for my wife as I can. Are they goals?

I need a purpose or goal that isn't usefulness.

I think maybe what I'm describing is a mid life crisis, normally resulting in a sports car and wearing clothes more suited to someone younger.

My wardrobe hasn't changed and I definitely won't be buying a sports car.

I have been contemplating a lighter, faster bike. I doubt I'll go for it though. The bike I have delivers what I need. Saving a kilogram or so isn't going to improve that very much. It's gradually been upgraded to address shortcomings to the point where a replacement would have to be expensive to make a meaningful difference.

Maybe I'll emulate Ian Walker or Emily Chappell with some ultra endurance cycling.

Could I motivate others to improve their mental and physical health? I hope I am doing that in some way with my blog. 

 

Maybe I do have a worthy purpose or goal.

In the moment

 

As we sat at opposite ends of the bench last weekend Matt and I pondered how we cope with stress and anxiety.

We talked about meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and cycling. 

I have attended mindfulness classes, they advocate a kind of meditation. Yoga isn't something I've given much thought to. Which leaves cycling.

Supporters and teachers of meditation, yoga and mindfulness say riding would just be a distraction, not a solution. I'm not saying they are wrong, just that I know what works for us.

On rides we stop thinking about problems and worries, and just focus on our immediate sorroundings. Things like what's happening the the fields, the changing seasons. The sights and sounds of our environment. Even day dream about adventures we could have.

We are not so absorbed to be unsafe; it's as if there is only room in our heads for being in the moment and the practicalities of traveling by bike.

It's too easy to stress about what the future might hold, or problems in the past. You can then miss what's accually happening now.

I try to continue the appreciation of the here and now between rides.

When it gets too heavy

Whilst talking to a friend recently I had cause to look back and think how far I had come from the feelings of total exhaustion prior to Jan 2020.

I realised that I had changed from always seeing the negative in what I said, did and heard. Constantly adding more pressure onto myself. I now have more energy. It's wasn't just physical tiredness. My mind wouldn't, or couldn't switch off. It felt like a physical weight, a restriction at every joint, and a dull ache in my muscles.

There were days when it wasn't this way, but not many. Now less days have me looking forward to going back to sleep the moment I wake.

Contrary to what you might think, cycling and expending energy has been a big part of this change. After a ride I am energised, and my mood is lifted. I sleep better - a major improvement - which aids my ability to cope.

I returned to cycling as an adult about fifteen years ago. I live on the top of a hill, so every return journey had me pushing the bike up those final hills. I'd ride as far as I could before the world started to go grey. Each week this would happen a few feet further up the hill, I'd set a target of one more lampost. Eventually I completed the climb without getting off.

That's how I deal with other challenges. Break it down into smaller tasks, and be satisfied at the completion of each of them. And ask for help.

When it gets too heavy, share the load.

It's okay to be ordinary

I know a fair bit about computers. I'm quiet good at troubleshooting problems in general. I like the pictures I take. Cycling is important to me, I can talk to people about how it keeps me fit and improves my mental health. I know some of the technical aspects.

I have a house, and food to eat. Great family, friends and employer.

And that's enough for me.

I do use Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Strava. And this blog. It's not to acquire likes or kudo's. They are to share my thoughts and experiences. 

Unfortunately these platforms also propogate untruths, false information and unrealistic hope. They sell aspirations that may not be right for the reader.

Telling people to live their dreams, or do what you are passionate about can be a positive message, but it can lead to being dissatisfied with present circumstances. Or to making bad decisions. I am passionate about cycling and photography, but the chances of me making a living from either are slim. I post pictures to the platforms I have mentioned, and some get a like or two. But I wouldn't base my happiness or livelihood on that reaction.

We don't all have to be high flyers, entrepenuers, or risk takers to be happy. And just because your life isn't as others appear doesn't make it less valid or fulfilling.

Being hopeful, postive and content with the future is my goal.

And remember; it's okay to be ordinary. I am.