Conflicted

The weather has improved, so I'm riding more. I've got plans for adventures on my bike. So why am I unsure about my motives?

Let me explain.

I love riding my bike, both on my own and with others. I enjoy the feeling of achievement when I push myself. Chatting to others. The look of amazement when I tell non cyclists how far I've gone. Keeping fit. I can forget my worries for a while.

But...

I worry it's too big a part of who I am, how I see myself. That it defines me. 

Am I forcing myself to ride further, faster, everyday because I don't have anything else?

I know I have great family and friends and that they allow me to by who I want. And to ride as much as I need.

Lately though I have been questioning how much time I devote to it.

I'm conflicted; every ride seems to need a purpose. Where as it use to be enough just to get out. I didn't really think about how far or how long.

Part of me says go for a few hours, another counters with "that's too far" or "that's not far enough". 

Yesterday was a case in point; a bank holiday. Where to go, should I stop at a cafe, another big ride or keep it short?

In the end I settled for 36 miles, with a stop at a new to me cafe. It's part of a winey/brewery. It was nice to sit and relax. 

The clouds looked threatening, but it wasn't cold so all was almost right with the world. Unfortunately the coffee was dreadful. It tasted like a bad instant, which was disappointing because it came from a proper machine.

I think from now on I'll just be more relaxed about the whole thing. I will be slower too, I do very quickly fall into a habit of pressing hard on the pedals too much of the time. I have to remind myself to do this as I ride. I don't need to feel exhausted everytime I get home.