Sunday, 5 April 2020

Weekly review

sheep

The weekend of week two and I am adjusting to being at home.

Marcia has been attending the facebook sessions run by the Ryan MS therapy centre she would normally visit once a week. It's a brilliant addition to our day, it gives us some structure. We get up, have breakfast, Marcia does her physio, we have lunch, then I go cycling.

In other news: I'm riding about twenty miles a day, mostly on the road bike. The upgraded wheels and brakes are a big improvement, but the saddle is another story. I think the problem is that the side sections slope down too quickly and the centre section hasn't got much of a dip. It puts pressure on the wrong parts!!

Fizik Arione K:IUM Snake Versus
239g instead of 400g
The new saddle, after one ride, is a big improvement. There is less padding, but it is still much more comfortable. It also saves a little weight, there I go again; sounding a bit serious.

bike bag under seat

I have a new cycle bag, it attaches under the saddle. It's fiddly to fit, and slightly smaller than the previous one. With camera packed inside, the spare inner tube has a new home; can you spot it? My pedaling isn't impeded, and no more sweaty back.

Saturday with the new saddle.

Fizik Arione K:IUM Snake Versus first ride

The Sunday ride included a couple of firsts: a new route, almost completely off road, and facetime chat between Matt and I. The mountain bike had an outing, I had a rough idea for a route. A little off road section led to a path I hadn't noticed before. Nothing extreme, I don't want to risk a fall. It was really good to get away from the deteriorating quality of driving on the roads. While taking the second picture Matt called, we had managed to synchronise our rides. He was drinking tea at the church yard. The video chat meant I could show him the view. I guess we could try to do the same again, a distance of around ten miles made our meetup safe and within the rules.

muddy tunnel entrance
Trust me to find a bit of mud. It was deeper than I anticipated.
avenue of trees bridleway
Bridleway
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Tuesday, 31 March 2020

Twenty is plenty

twenty is plenty

Another lunch time ride, and the number of cyclists is increasing. There are less motor vehicles, but still more than I expected. And the behaviour of some has gotten worse. I am still subject to close passes and tailgating.

Some of the new riders may not have ridden for a while, they ventured onto the roads out of necessity or because of extra free time. If they are to continue to do so, the roads have to be made safer. Many surveys say it's the danger that puts a lot of people off riding.

There are many reports of excessive speed on the now quieter roads, and calls for lower limits. The Isle of Man has instigated a 40 mph maximum. And this is a place where some roads have no restrictions.

Authorities want electric scooters restricted, but won't do the same for devices that inflict huge damage to anything they hit.

The AA are against placing any more legislation upon motorists . The AA president said speed limiters are not a good idea, his reason: a driver will just drive as fast as the restricted car will allow, even when that's not appropriate. I'd much rather a driver is restricted to twenty as they pass a school than be able to drive at any speed they want. As has been proved time after time most drivers will not lower their speed.

Many drivers even believe bikes shouldn't be allowed on roads, but object to the building of cycle paths.

Jeremy Clarkson has said public transport is only used by people who can't afford a car, he wants less space for them. He still doesn't realise the congestion he complains about is caused by too many cars. He talks about removing cycle paths; his reasoning, they restrict cars and therefore block emergency vehicles. It's the cars that do that, if more people cycled, walked, or took public transport - many journeys of under a mile are driven - the emergency vehicles he now campaigns for would have less to impede them. Public transport would be more reliable. I know a lot of what he says is for publicity, but the people who listen will be nodding their heads at his words.

He is just one example of the media message; repeatedly reporting on miscreant cyclists but rarely qualifying this with how many die in crashes caused by the drivers of motor vehicles. They make biased programs, and print poorly researched articles.

Cities around the world have created temporary bike lanes as they have restricted public transport and asked people not to drive. They have even closed roads to drivers. What has London done? Suspended the congestion charge scheme. Their reason is to allow critical workers to drive to work. They could easily have made an exception for the number plates of these workers. Ensuring the roads were kept as clear as possible.

There is no clear message in the UK promoting alternatives to cars; until there is, a lot of people will be put off using them.

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Monday, 30 March 2020

No tea


mountain bike leant against a fallen tree

Regular readers will know Matt and I ride together through Surrey and Kent. We stop for tea at one of many favoured locations. We put the world to rights and have a laugh about stuff. But not now.

We both still go for rides, but for the foreseeable future our tea breaks are against the law; I never thought I'd ever say that?

In Ireland they now have extra restrictions on travel, even for exercise. You have to stay within two kilometres of your home. If the UK does this it's going to make it harder to keep motivated, and burn the calories. I'm finding it difficult not snack continually.

Yesterday's horrendous weather kept me in-doors, only venturing out for the weekly shop.

I really want to ride everyday, I fear it will be very easy to get into the habit of saying I'll go tomorrow, and not going.

I had a dip in enthusiasm today, but now I'm back it was worth the effort. On the return part of the loop I saw a path leading off into the woods. I had an idea where it might lead to, but quickly realised I was lost.

I eventually found a road, and headed for home.

bike leaning against a gate, horse looking at me

I think the horse has probably seen a few more people than is usual pass it's field lately. I hope it wasn't expecting a treat, I didn't have anything on me.

It was also the trial of a new bag, I wanted to get away from a backpack. Wearing one results in a sweaty back. While I could fit everything in that I needed, I won't be using it again. My knees rub against it, and standing on the pedals is almost impossible. I hoped it was just the compact nature of the Kona frame, my Giant road bike is even worse.

top tube bag

So it's a return to a damp patch on my back until I can find another solution.

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Saturday, 28 March 2020

Day 5

giant defy daffodils

I think everyone has written something like this, so here is my contribution to the bandwagon.

The weather has been good, I have been exploring as well as visiting usual haunts. At first it was okay, riding at my own pace and picking the route as I went along. Riding for more than three days in a row is rare, I'm up to five now. There is a vague limit on the distance I can go; I'm allowed out once a day for exercise. Most advice is stay local, it seems this is mostly to stop people driving to distant parks and beauty spots. I can see the point of this restriction, I'm surprised how many cars I see during my rides. But what does that mean for me; how far can I go? There is a concern about a bike failure; how would I get home? A ride at any time has the potential to leave me stranded, I can't phone home for a lift. But at least if it was too far to realistically walk I could take public transport, not an option at the moment. So no rides to the coast for the foreseeable future, which does leave a problem. I had only been doing this for four days on my own, and my motivation was waning. Today being Saturday normally means I meet Matt, and have a chat over tea. But that's out of the question.

I see more cyclists on each ride, which is encouraging. If driving is their normal form a transport, hopefully they'll have a new appreciation for what it's like to ride a bike. And give us more room.

I am determined to get out every day, and take a picture. But all of the normal places are well documented, and going much further afield is risky. I'll have to get creative and keep my eyes peeled for a great vista.

I don't know how long this situation is going to last, I am already pacing the house enough to annoy the wife.

In other news; I have cut my own hair. I wonder if I'll need to do it again before the barbers reopens. It doesn't look too bad, the back is a challenge to get straight. A thumbs up from Marcia is a good sign. Although who else is going to see it; everyone at Tesco keeps their distance.

I'll also have to put my thinking cap on for post titles, I'm not sure how long I can stay with day {insert number}.

Stay safe.

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Friday, 27 March 2020

All these unhelpful sayings. Stiff upper lip, pull yourself together


Reigate view

As I near the end the first week of this extraordinary time, I have a period to reflect.

Thanks in not small part to Moof IT, my employer. Read this for background.

I now realise that my way of dealing with problems - internalising everything - wasn't a long term proposition. My mantra was: Stiff upper lip, pull yourself together.

I do regret it took such a long time to work this out.

Opening up to your employer isn't easy, mine has been very good to me.

My Moof IT colleagues will have had to take the strain this week, I thank them for that. I hope I haven't added to their troubles.

Talking to family is just as hard, you don't want to add to their worries. I did, and it helped immeasurably.

Friends, I'm lucky to have such good ones.

This week I have taken a step forward because I have been given space and time.

I thought after a day all was good, but it really wasn't. Being told to take a longer break was right.

I'm much calmer, I have a better perspective.

When I returned from a circuit to tatsfield I was told I'm to be put on the government furlough scheme, it's better than the alternative. And while the weather stays good, more cycling.

I have taken many pictures here, I'll have to get to different places. Although I'm not sure if the exercise law allows me to go far.

tatsfield Surrey hills


reigate fort
Reigate fort
Thursday I rode to Reigate fort, a short ride but it had some very steep hills. Not much is visible; the gates are the main recognisable structure. There is one building at the center, the other parts are dug in to the earthworks that appeared to have formed the walls. It was built in 1898 in response to a potential invasion.

This could be a metaphor, I have finally opened the gates to fort Andy.

knockholt bench
Knockholt bench
Wednesday was my longest ride, to Knockholt. I passed many other cyclists, some may not have ridden much recently. On one particularly difficult climb I passed a struggling rider. I keep my distance but offered words of encouragement. As he passed me at the top, where I had stopped to congratulate him, he thanked me. He said he would have completed accent on foot if I hadn't been there.

caterham view
Caterham view
Caterham view, where the week started. And when a new realisation began.

These are troubling times, isolation is the way to stop the virus but it doesn't lead to good mental health.

I hope that family and friends can also talk to me about their worries and concerns.

Talking isn't always about asking for help. It can be just as effective to have someone listen.

A positive then to end the week.

Thanks for being there.

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Tuesday, 24 March 2020

Social distancing

cycling alone

The last few weeks have been tough; this week got tougher.

With each development in the Coronavirus saga my anxiety stepped up; my depression got deeper.

It was pretty much under control. My way of dealing with depression and anxiety is to put problems and worries in boxes, and keep them closed. I try to only open the boxes one at a time, when I'm going to deal with them. New issues are either dealt with or put in a new box.

Each box has a label: needs to be sorted soon, can be kept closed for a while, I can't resolve the contents, and not important.

Occasionally a couple of boxes are accidentally opened together. That is not a good day, but the labels help. I deal with or close them depending on my filing system.

But this week I had a mini earthquake in the admin room. Most of the boxes fell over and opened, plus I had to add a new one that I wasn't sure how to label.

I tried to carry on with work, look after my wife and get the chaos in order.

I made it until lunch time; I called my boss. It wasn't easy to admit, even though everyone has done as much as they could to help. To accomodate how I need to work.

I went for a ride on the bike to clear my head. Until I was on the call hadn't realised how on edge I had become. I shouldn't have worried about talking, Henry understood. I hadn't maybe told him all that was going on in my head, but he knew enough. It did feel like a weight had been lifted. The stacks of containers are a little tidier now, if not completely shut.

caterham view
A chance to tidy up
I have a great circle of family and friends who, if I need them, will help, or listen. Knowing I have them allows me to deal with everything. Moof IT have been brilliant as I have said above.

I'm lucky to have such a good support network. Even if I don't involve them as much as maybe I should, it's good to know I can get help with my filing when I need it.

Hopefully I'll soon be cycling in groups to pubs and cafes again. Here are a few pics from the last few years.

Everyone in my circle helps so much to enable me to get out on my bike.





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Thursday, 19 March 2020

Big day in the studio

black and white mesh top

I haven't been in a studio since August. That was a themed event, shared with another photographer. Before then, in June I was in an unusual home studio. Both very much using the location to steer the ideas.

At the beginning of 2019 I put together team for a fashion shoot. I model I had produced great work with previously, a place I had used before and a MUA. Eventually the results were published.

It was a whole day shooting against a coloured background. I would normally shy away from this because I didn't think I could keep suggesting poses and ideas. Hence the search for interesting locations.

I learnt from it, coupled with youtube videos I have since watched, that the model contributes to the process far more than I thought. Ideas might start with the photographer, but they need to be translated, or interpreted. To that end I have been fortunate to work with very good models who did that very well.
They have been able, I now realise, to instinctively translate my ideas. More than that, give life to them.

It may look easy standing in front of the camera, but one of the many lesson I have learnt is that if you want the pictures to have energy, passion and expression; work with a good model. I may not be describing this very well, and doing the models a disservice. If you look at a photograph and are drawn in to it, that's a result of good teamwork.

I have stopped watching the how-to videos, the {insert a number} things to avoid/do, or how-to tutorials. They are all pretty much the same. Basic light with very little variation, or overly complicated, impractical setups. It just got boring. I found myself only thinking the way they did, and it started to put me off photography.

This project was intended to put that spark back. I still watch videos, but now they are of working photographers, with interesting ideas. The work they produce looks different, not extreme themes or lighting; subtle, quality productions. Their clients don't want pictures that look like the ones their competitors use.

And that's what I wanted to do this time; it was a studio I had used before, that time I certainly used the varied sets. The pictures were great, exactly what I had wanted.

Alex and I had a brilliant shoot in July last year.

We packed a lot into this session, plenty of wardrobe changes, and lighting setups. Some of the arrangements worked, some didn't. We either made small changes to solve the problems, or abandoned them.

I had initially planned to process only to black and white, but the colours that tumbled out of the suitcase couldn't be ignored.





casual with a small chair
Some black and white.

black and white mesh top


black and white mesh top

This is going to be a long post. I took so many pictures; using numerous lighting setups, many wardrobe changes and Alex nailed it all. It took me a long time to narrow them down to a reasonable number. And then to reduce the total again to share with you lovely readers.

The dress and coat combo caused a raised eyebrow from Alex when I suggested it and my wife was also surprised when I told her it was my choise. Both agreed it worked.

blue coat purple dress dress

blue coat purple dress dress

More black and white

moody black and white


And one last colour image to finish

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Tuesday, 10 March 2020

Reason to be cheerful

bourne river flood lake

As the weekend approached it seemed unlikely we'd get one ride; two could be out of the question.

The picture above was taken on my way home on Sunday. It's normally a very small stream, barely a trickle. The recent rain had tested the flood defences built a few years ago.

Saturday was a little late to start, but we still had time for the long way to the bus stop.

The usual type of chat ensued, a bit about the Coronavirus and the panic surrounding it. Every grocery shop is sold out of hand sanitiser and for some reason toilet roll. It's not just here; a video from Australia went viral, excuse the pun, when people started a fight for bog paper.

Sunday, again was a late start, Matt initially sent an abort text. It wasn't raining at my house so I was determined to get out. When Matt sent another text saying it was dry and he was on his way; all was good.

The same route as Saturday resulted in more general chat. We often think what it would be like if anyone else were to join us. To be honest I don't think they would get it. There was Phil for a while, but he drifted away to cycle with people from his company.

One thing that did come up was my reaction to two cars that overtook us on a narrow lane. Matt said I was a little unfair, especially to the second one. Thinking back maybe I was; a little. He did wait for a slightly wider section of road. But when he did pass he barely gave me any time or space to move aside before accelerating quickly. There are lots of potholes and plenty of mud. I could easily have bounced or slide into his path.

I explained to Matt that I get so passionate about cycling because I need it. I didn't realise how much until recently. The number of close passes are increasing; a really close shave had me thinking seriously about cycling straight home. And possibly never cycling again. Near to meeting Matt on Saturday a Coughlans delivery van caused more concern.

Cycling started as a way to get fit, and have a laugh with friends. Now it's good for my mental health. I have grown to almost depend on the rides to reset after a bad week, and to help prepare for the next one. It's my reason to be cheerful.

It does anger me that I may have to stop riding if it doesn't get safer.

The police, my MP, the media; all say they want less motor traffic, and more cyclists. But do little to encourage it.

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Sunday, 1 March 2020

Responsible adult

croissant at the cafe

When will these storms end? One of the first questions Matt and I asked each other when we got to the cafe in Westerham this morning.

Looking back we have missed three rides this month due to the weather. Maybe it's average for this time of year, but it feels worse. Waking up to heavy rain and strong wind is not great on any day, but when it's the weekend; it's just not fair.

Yesterday was terrible, a lie-in was always going to be the best option. During the day it alternated between sunny and hailstones. A few times I contemplated going for a ride, but was glad I didn't when I was reminded we hadn't seen the back of storm Jorge.

I have lost count of how many we've had and their names. I hope Jorge is the last for a while.

It's not the rain that really puts me off, it's the cold and high winds. I have yet to find clothing that will keep me dry and warm at this time of the year. The biggest problem though is the wind. Close passes from motorists are so common, I don't feel safe with so little margin for error. It's bad enough on a normal day, sometimes I just want to give cycling a miss all-together. My MP, the media and police don't seem to prioritise road safety and cycling. I have contacted them, after an initial period of interest; total silence.

Back to today, it was a good ride. The "long way" to Westerham. We use the "long way" to avoid the B269 when we go to the bus stop. It adds a bit of distance, and some hills bit it's safer. The B269 is a fast road, and on a windy morning the risk of being blown off course into a close passing car or van is too great. This is another indication of how bad it's got; I choose routes by perceived safety, rather than distance. The longer rides I have planned for this year require the same considerations. I use google street view to gauge the type of road, and find alternatives if they look dangerous.


Anyway; Westerham: we arrived too early, despite the extra miles, for our normal cafe. So it was to  an Italian cafe a short distance away. Tea, croissants and a hazelnut paste filled crusty morsel was well received. The talk was of cycle clubs, I mentioned that I had thought about joining one, but it was maybe too formal and regimented for me.
We discussed our "club", and why we're the only members. I asked what would we had to offer members; other that our repartee, and mugs of tea. When we couldn't think of anything else, the idea was shelved. A bigger group would take more organisation, and require someone to be the responsible adult. Neither of us wanted that role.

Fingers crossed for a period of stable weather, so we don't miss any more rides.

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Tuesday, 25 February 2020

Four generations

four generations portrait photography

My photography lately has been largely of my bike and the views when cycling.

Over a year ago I was asked about doing a shoot for a family to capture four generations.

Everyone we busy and so it wasn't until last Saturday that all diaries matched.

One speedlight would produce enough illumination. I used a wide 24mm prime for groups, 50mm for pairs and the 85mm for close ups.

The baby was never still, trying to keep her interested and focused wasn't easy. If there had been more room I could have put more distance between us. It makes tracking a fast moving subject easier.

I kept firing away to catch the moment when everyone was looking in the same direction and relaxed.

People often say don't work with animals and children. But I find they add to the shoot. You can rely on them to keep everyone distracted from the camera; most people aren't comfortable having their picture taken.

It worked; the time flew past, I don't think anyone noticed just how quickly we had the necessary shots in the bag.

A couple of days to choose and process the best ones, then upload and share the results.

This is always my most anxious time, waiting for their reply after I have sent the link to the picture library.

Will they like the ones I choose; were they expecting more?

Here are two of my favourites, catching a fleeting expression is always so rewarding.




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Saturday, 8 February 2020

Pay it forward




I'll start by saying this is not a post looking for well dones, or virtual pats on the back. I helped because I could.

I was nearly home after my Saturday morning ride when I came across a couple trying to move some flat packed furniture.

At first I thought they wanted to put it in the garage; but no, it needed to go to the house at the top of a long steep drive.

Their idea was to drag it up with an invalid carriage and a bit of pushing. This wasn't going to work.

As the load met the bottom of the slope the tractor unit's drive wheel started spinning. Applying weight just overloaded the electric motor.

The wife said her husband shouldn't have tried to move all of the packages in one go, she was right of course. But any man would have tried it. After shopping I always try to carry every bag in one go. I'd rather break a finger than make two trips.

I tested how heavy the first box was; I could carry each to the house quicker than they would be pulled up.

A few minutes later, all done. They shook my hand, said thanks and offered a coffee. I said it was fine. And then suggested they could do something for me: when driving give cyclists they see more room, and tell their friends.

Hopefully my good deed will be paid forward when they and their friends approach a fellow rider in the future.

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Saturday, 1 February 2020

An unusually long one.

turners hill bicycle

Stop sniggering at the back.

A more normal ride at the weekend is around twenty miles, Westerham or Smallfield being the far end of the loop.

But today I was on my own, and really needed to clear my head. The past week wasn't great, I just felt low and unmotivated. It was a real struggle to get out of bed. I haven't been eating properly either, a sure sign I wasn't in a good place.

My default destination for a solo ride has become Smallfield. It wasn't going to be enough so I continued to Turners Hill, adding an extra ten miles. The weather was great, much warmer than expected. I concentrated on keeping a good pace; that way my mind hadn't time to ponder any of life's worries. I can't tell you how much I need cycling, I tried in a previous post. The pain in my legs felt good as I pushed myself to go faster. An average speed of 12 mph on a mountain bike is doing ok I think.

I was tired all week, this morning before the ride was no exception. But now I'm back I feel energised. I had thought about spending Saturday and Sunday in bed. That would have been a mistake. It was so good to get out.

Tomorrow's forecast is for rain in the morning, maybe I'll go out a little later and avoid it. I don't want to stay in if at all possible.

I have a gym only a few minutes walk away, I'm not going to join, it's £53 a month. But they do spinning classes that make if much more affordable. If the weather is too bad it might be a good alternative. Simply riding an exercise bike is too boring, I never manage more than ten minutes.

February and March are normally the months for snow, I may take a walk over there soon.

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Monday, 27 January 2020

Music, it doesn't sound like it use to

status quo whitesnake rainbow

I have been listening to music transferred to digital from vinyl.

And it struck me that it sounded different, more raw. Maybe because it was originally on vinyl. I can't put my finger on it, today's music seems more clinical. I'm not an audiophile claiming vinyl is best, or that old tech can't be beaten. I don't have the space for a sound system like I use to. It's all on the computer or iPhone. I wish I had had the time to record all my records to digital.

My record collection is now lost to me. I could buy them in digital form. Or subscribe to a streaming service. If I collected a new album or downloaded part of my old collection every month, the subscription would kind of pay for itself. The problem would be that I am renting the music, if I end the subscription I lose access to it. Maybe it's my age, I need to change the way I access music.

I had the volume up, I don't often get to do that. And it was through speakers, not headphones. It took me back to seeing live music, often at the Hammersmith Odeon. Always rock, from heavy; Rainbow, Deep Purple to lighter; Status Quo, Foreigner etc. Before you write off Status Quo, listen to their early work; up to 1981. After that it went down hill.

For me; part of the listening experience is feeling the music. You can't get that unless you fill the room with sound. The better the amp and speakers, the greater the feeling. Unfortunately for my neighbours it also needs volume.

In the early days of CD's, the music sounded flat because they just re-recorded the mixes they had for vinyl. I wonder if going straight to digital has a similar effect, or is it just the way I listen now; the quality of the output device?

As a photographer, the album artwork interests me. Today though most is just the artist or group. I guess if you are primarily going to release you music online, why bother with creative imagery. The big format of vinyl meant it mattered more.


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Saturday, 18 January 2020

Wow, that was cold

sunrise mountain bike

I left the house and walked across the heavily frosted grass to the garage. It was definitely the coldest day of winter so far. At least it meant no rain.

This time of year; it's either mild and raining, or cold and dry. Dry is always better, the thermal socks I got from the grand kids for Christmas helped to ensure I didn't get too cold.

The roads were treacherous in places, a bend looked slippery so I slowed my approach. With no skill on my part I stayed upright, both wheels slid away from me but found grip before I fell.

I turned for home early, the further I went into the countryside the more dangerous the roads felt.

And then just as I started the last short climb to home the gears locked up. I couldn't change down from top. I had to get off and push the bike.

Took it to Ross's; was told Shimano shifters never break, must need greasing. Went back later, it's broken.

Obviously I can't ride my newer bike tomorrow so I've had to pump up the tyres on the Carrera.

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A Giant upgrade

giant defy vision wheels

My Giant Defy 3 needed some upgrades. It’s a fairly light road bike. But the brakes were very poor so the Shimano Tiagra’s improved safety.

It now has new wheels, Vision 35’s. They are lighter than the originals, more aerodynamic and should improve the braking.

I thought aero wasn't going to be a big factor for me; I don't travel very fast. At just 10 mph though, aerodynamic drag uses half the power you produce. To double that speed, you need to produce eight time more power. My average speed is around 14 - 16 mph, maybe I can improve that a little. The biggest generator of air resistance is me, but the bike contributes about 30 percent. These new wheels will help to reduce it a little. There are plenty of hills where I live, being lighter will help with climbing.

I want to do more longer rides this year, like Caterham to Canterbury, and better my Waller Hill climb time.

I think I might be starting to take this cycling lark a bit seriously?

It's becoming a bit more than just a way to keep fit and socialise. Almost any bike will allow me to do both. Crucially though, going faster will mean I can go further in the same time; part of the motivation is getting to new places. Hopefully this will help me increase the number of rides I do in a year.

My bike has much upgrade potential; how far will I go? I don't think much further; increased performance costs money. Colin Chapman of Lotus said to go faster, add lightness. I could lose a few pounds now that Christmas is over. There are still chocolates and cake in the house though, I can't throw them away can I? Once they are gone, I'll try to slim down.

Clipless pedals would definitely be a step too far; I know that's controversial. I just think the extra efficiency isn't worth the clippy-cloppy shoes and awkward walk.

As I wrote this, it occurred to me; I might have a summer/good weather bike.
I never bought into the winter bike, one that you didn't mind being assaulted by the dirt and harsh weather. My bikes have to survive anything I throw at them.
But now it looks too nice to ride at this time of year. The mountain bike will have to cope.

When I got the bike back from Ross Cycles, it had been cleaned; which was nice. I really will have to keep it that way.

Take a look at the Ross Cycles website, I took the photos for it.

I'll need better weather to explore the improvements, which is a shame. I have started planning the rides. Ditchling Beacon and Leith Hill are on my to-do list.


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Friday, 17 January 2020

Depression, how I cope

I have written a few posts about why I cycle. At first it was to get fit for some charity rides I'd commited to.

Looking after my wife is a big part of my world, and being healthy allows me to be there for her.

Cycling to a pub, or a cafe with friends also helps me cope. For a short time, I'm leading a normal life.

At times it feels like I'm on pause, waiting for the next task. I can't commit to anything, or relax.

So when I do get some time for myself I need to make it count. But then: it rains, I am unwell, joint plans are changed, or a bike lets me down.

I'm left with a hole I can't fill, and reality comes back into focus.

It's nobody's fault, plans change, the British weather is unpredictable. Maybe I can do something about the bikes, clean them more often, let Ross check them over regularly.

I don't think people realise the self induced stress I feel. How could they? I don't say anything.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and mindfullness sessions have helped. They gave me a perspective that I had lost.

It was exhausting; depression caused me to be angry most of the time. Insomnia made it worse; I still don't get enough sleep. But at least I don't loose a whole night. When I started cycling regularly my sleeping improved. From the moment I get up though; I look forward to going back to bed. I never remember dreams; so for me, sleep is a time when I'm not depressed.

It was also a personal interpretation of a prayer I had read many times that saw me turn a corner. I'm not a religious person, for me it says I don't need to fix or resolve every problem. And not to worry about problems that can't be resolved straight away, or ever.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

It goes on:

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.

I don't believe He will make things better, it's my life; only I can can do that.

Social media isn't helpful, there is so much negativity. I rarely get involved in commenting about posts. And if people or groups I follow become part of the problem, then it's goodbye to them.
It's very easy to become overwhelmed, I still am at times. But now I take one day at a time, and prioritise what I deal with.

I have started to conquered my depression.

The best lesson I have learnt. Take control: make decisions, even little ones. It will mean you have made a change, and know more about a situation or problem than you did.

Another is to talk, I'm no good at this one. The therapy sessions are over; who do I speak to? I don't want to be a burden, or worry people. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this.

The good thing is that I have family and friends whom I know are there for me.

Maybe if it helps someone else, that will have been reason enough.