Looking for a purpose, or mid life crisis?

What is my purpose?

I'm really struggling with motivation and part of the problem may be that I feel directionless. Is being useful the same as having a purpose, or is it more complicated than that?

What are my goals? To continue working, and do as much for my wife as I can. Are they goals?

I need a purpose or goal that isn't usefulness.

I think maybe what I'm describing is a mid life crisis, normally resulting in a sports car and wearing clothes more suited to someone younger.

My wardrobe hasn't changed and I definitely won't be buying a sports car.

I have been contemplating a lighter, faster bike. I doubt I'll go for it though. The bike I have delivers what I need. Saving a kilogram or so isn't going to improve that very much. It's gradually been upgraded to address shortcomings to the point where a replacement would have to be expensive to make a meaningful difference.

Maybe I'll emulate Ian Walker or Emily Chappell with some ultra endurance cycling.

Could I motivate others to improve their mental and physical health? I hope I am doing that in some way with my blog. 

 

Maybe I do have a worthy purpose or goal.

In the moment

 

As we sat at opposite ends of the bench last weekend Matt and I pondered how we cope with stress and anxiety.

We talked about meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and cycling. 

I have attended mindfulness classes, they advocate a kind of meditation. Yoga isn't something I've given much thought to. Which leaves cycling.

Supporters and teachers of meditation, yoga and mindfulness say riding would just be a distraction, not a solution. I'm not saying they are wrong, just that I know what works for us.

On rides we stop thinking about problems and worries, and just focus on our immediate sorroundings. Things like what's happening the the fields, the changing seasons. The sights and sounds of our environment. Even day dream about adventures we could have.

We are not so absorbed to be unsafe; it's as if there is only room in our heads for being in the moment and the practicalities of traveling by bike.

It's too easy to stress about what the future might hold, or problems in the past. You can then miss what's accually happening now.

I try to continue the appreciation of the here and now between rides.

In search of spring

 

This weeks post is about the month of March, a herald of spring. The picture above was taken yesterday as  I cycled through Newdigate. It was more chilly than last weekend. Which got me thinking about how varied our weather can be. 

I had a scroll through previous years. March has been warmer, and much colder.

2018

earlier this week

2017

just a light frost in 2016

blue skies 2019

shorts in 2019, not a flattering angle.

very warm in 2020

Cycling library

I haven't had to dedicate a whole room to my collection just yet. The total stands at five. They are about people riding long distance. The common themes are: how they coped, why they did it, and what they got out of it.

The first book, North to Alaska, written by Trevor Lund. I read it in March last year. I think I'll read it again.

It hooked me straight away. The pace, level of detail and writing style is just about right for me. Each day as I got comfy to read it I found myself wanting to complete one more page before having to stop.

He started in the cold, went through everything nature could throw at him, and ended in the cold. Starting with a companion, who wasn't as sure about the journey as Trevor. These rides seems to need a determination that is often not contagious amongst family and friends.

The many constants across these books that I think kept me reading were how they were able to dig a little deeper when faced with adversity, and the kindness of strangers; forgive the cliche. It is encouraging to read we are capable of more than we know, and the world isn't as hostile a place as we are lead to believe.

Quondam Travels in a Once World by John Devoy. About an epic ride he did in 1985. It covers the story of the Cairo to Nairobi part of his journey from above the arctic circle to Cape Town in South Africa. It really opens up the mental as well as the physical challenge. A great twist is that he also mentions how the areas have changed during the intervening years. Many of the countries went on to be blighted by civil wars.  Buy direct from John.

Where There's a Will by Emily Chappell. First thing to note; I bought it direct from Emily. Very fast delivery, and it's signed. Buy direct from Emily. It's another page turner about her participation in the transcontinental race, and much more. After days or weeks focused on one goal it would be a jolt to not have that single target in front of you. I've never been in a race, but have had longer, multiple day challenges. It took a couple of days to get use to a normal daily routine.

Mike Carter's One Man and His Bike. I can understand his desire to just keep cycling. I have on occasion turned away from home to ride a little further. Never to circumnavigate the British Isles though. He makes connections with many people as he travels. It's funny and educational; giving a little info about some of the places he pedals through. You can follow the path of his bike around the pages of the book. It took me until chapter eight to see it.

Endless Perfect Circles by Ian Walker. Ian became a record breaking ultra long distance rider in his forties. I can sympathise with Tom about sport at school. Although it wasn't the quality of the teachers as much as I have never been good at team sports. I looked forward to the cross country run during the winter. I wasn't very fast but at least it meant I could avoid demonstrating my lack of sporting prowess. I'd jog out of the grounds, up the road, across some fields and be back in time to shower before everyone else. The rest of the year was being picked last for teams, and trying to avoid responsibility for attack or defence.

Ian wrote about finding a competitiveness that he didn't know he had, of realising that racing was a task that had an ending.

It's the reason I started to use Strava, not to compare myself with others or to compete with anyone. I use it to set tasks to complete each month.

I haven't cycled any distances to rival these epic rides, or had to sleep rough; but it does resonate with me. A few years ago two friends and I rode to Paris - unsupported - we carried all we needed on the bikes. 

Fully loaded, on the way to Paris

 

The South Downs Way was the following year: two days of mostly off road. I think it was a greater challenge than Paris. We were often reduced to pushing our laden bikes, the mud was so think the wheels became choked with it.

South Downs Way, deep mud.

 

I felt a little guilt as I read these books, sat on my couch, hot drink at hand. If I got hungry it was just a few steps to the kitchen. 

I recommend all of them; insightful, helpful, entertaining, and thought provoking. I eagerly turned the pages, wanting to know what happened next. Tempered by the realisation that the quicker I read, the sooner I would finish. 

What other books should I buy now? 

Seven days inside

That's how long I rode the indoor trainer. Previously I had just spent the odd day - when it was too cold and icy - in the garage. But that whole week was a really cold period with plenty of snow and ice that didn't melt until the Saturday. Despite what the time stamp on the videos says, it was Sunday when I finally ventured out. Almost all of the roads were completely clear of snow. Not the case for the pavements, they still presented a real danger to pedestrians. I thought the off road lanes would have a good coating of snow, and provide some interesting riding. And where it had melted the ground would still be frozen. 

Unfortunately there was a lot of ice and mud, I was forced to dismount and walk the bike over the worst of it. 

Some of the ice covered puddles had a thicker layer than would break under my weight, again forcing me to gingerly walk.

I made it with with only one mishap. A gentle slope caused the bike to slid slowly from under me. I easily got a foot down before I hit the ground. 

I've now had a whole week outside, hopfully the cold weather is gone for this winter. 

Looking forward spring.

February photowalk

Another month already. Yesterday while I waited for the temperature to rise enough for me to think about a ride on the bike I went for a walk. This time through the village as it's called now - it was converted from an army barracks just before I moved here - then behind The Fox Pub. I intended to go as far as Happy Valley and then Farthing Down. But the paths had many large patches of ice and it was very cold.

The igloo above was built on one of the many greens in the village. It's been there a few days, and is well known in the area. 

There is still some green in the woods, even if mostly it's ivy.

Slippery, ice covered rocks.

No one is in need of a drink today.

I'm always on the look out for contrasting subjects. Very easy when everywhere is white.