I found a video on youtube about depression. And why it mught be on the increase.
Here is a link to it. Watch it and come back to this page.
It got me thinking.
I have family and friends, I have a support network, I have a great employer. They all contribute to an environment that very much includes me.
But; I still feel lonely. I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. The responsibilty of looking out for others.
It's not new, I've been like this for a very long time, much longer than I realised.
It's not all of the time, there are periods when I feel great.
Other times it feels like I have too much to do.
I have always had a feeling of not quiet belonging, those around me would have had no idea. Why would they? I was part of their group, and they were inclusive.
The last two years have allowed this thoughts to grow, become more prominent. I have gotten better at dealing with it though.
But it doesn't stop those dark days: when I back away from social situations, convince myself it's just me and listen to the voice that says no-one would understand.
I can't blame social media for it all, I don't use it to replace relationships. If anything it helps me keep connected with people. But it doesn't build shared experiences, memories that can be relived.
They are what really count. Talking about old times is when I know I'm in a good place, surrounded by good people. Planning future memories with those groups lifts me.
It's what social media can't do, for me at least. And maybe for most people. It doesn't fulfil a need. It gives the illusion of sharing and building memories, that can feel inclusive. But ultimately they have happened without a wider group participation. You're just seeing a snapshot through another's eyes.
You can't beat face-to-face experiences. Going into winter this will happen less often, I cope until the warm spring and summer days return.
If you're reading this and thinking; what can I do? Just continue to be supportive as you have always been. This is very much a window on what is sometimes going on inside my head.
Thanks everyone, looking forward to creating memories.