Sunday 21 April 2024

Every day is different.

It's been four months since Marcia died. My emotions are all over the place.

It's a mix of missing her, denial, shock at how quickly time has past, guilt at being happy, guilt at not being happy, guilt for feeling numb, guilt for getting on with my life, guilt at not getting on with my life, guilt for being upset and emotional, guilt for not being upset and unemotional.

I have family and friends with whom to talk this through. They visit me or I go to them. Great neighbours that I spend time with is massively helpful.  

I know I'll feel better in time. But I do wish the feelings would stop, or maybe stabilise. Is that another reason to feel guilty?

Thankfully I'm sleeping pretty well. I've increased the exercise I do and call it a day at roughly the same every evening, which I'm sure helps.

If I have a particularly bad day my employer understands and lets me have some time. In the early days this could be a whole day, now though I can usually get myself together in an hour or two. I go for a walk, ride or run, sometimes just a coffee at my local Coughlans.

There is an underlying empty feeling that I don't think will ever go. I'm not sure I want to lose it.

I'm confused by these swirling thoughts; are they okay to feel? Is it okay not to feel them?

I know people say whatever I think or however I cope is appropriate for me. And they are right; their words and actions help.

I guess ultimately the saying that time is a great healer is spot-on. But I don't think I want to be healed, not completely. 

My thoughts are moving from being focused on Marcia's last few days, which were the worst of my life. 

To all the great days and normal days we had together. Both are precious to me. The laughs and tears; times we just existed together.

I value my time in a way I don't think I did before. No one dwells on the fact that it's such a limited resource. Now I dread the future, and look forward to it. I want to keep busy, and doing nothing. To spend time with music forming a bubble of sound around me. Plan visits with friends and family, time on my own.

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