A light at the end of the tunnel

 

Lately I have had more good days than bad. Maybe it's the improving weather, although May has been very wet. Maybe I'm getting better at dealing with depressive thoughts.

The good days take me by surprise, I'll notice that I'm in an upbeat mood. Stressers aren't having their normal affect, I feel less tired and am able to focus. The next day I could be feeling low again, but nothing will have changed. It's possibly the most frustrating aspect of depression for me; if I knew what triggered the swing up, I could concentrate on that.

I have been taking the power to affect me away from others, be less influenced by what they might think. 

It's very easy to be overwhelmed by negativity, the news and social media can be a loud voice pushing the dark side of life. I unfollow or unfriend if I just see posts that aren't helping me. Or when they have formed an opinion that can't be reasoned with. You don't have to agree with me, but that shouldn't stop you listening.

The picture for this post is a good illustration of the present. I'm moving forward, I may not be out of the tunnel, but it's not as dark as it was. And I'm not alone, people are willing to help me towards the exit.

Two voices

A couple of weeks ago I had a tough and great weekend.

The good bit; I saw mum, my sister and family, I even cycled over there. Really pleased that I did, not only because I haven't seen them for six months. It was also nearly as fast as driving would have been; heavy traffic most of the way. It was great riding past so many stationary cars. I didn't get soaked until the homeward journey. I think just over an hour on my mountain bike covering 15 miles each way is very satisfactory.

The bad bit; starting on Friday I didn't sleep much, I was tired, but just couldn't let go. I don't know what I was thinking or worried about that kept me awake.

I tried a hot drink, reading, just laying in bed staring at the ceiling was never going to work. Sunday was an early start, I had arranged a sportive, the subject of a previous post. I enjoyed the ride, but wasn't that feed up that it ended early. I even gave my bike a thorough clean when I got home. If only I hadn't lost my gloves. Probably left on the wall when we stopped to assess the failed brakes.

But when Monday rolled round, I was knackered and feeling very low. I survived the week, gradually feeling better each day. More in this post.

There is a voice that tells me I did well, but I ignore it. The other voice saying the opposite is much more persuasive. I have to listen to the positive one.

I need to give myself a break, not be so critical. And accept praise when it comes my way.

There are other parts to this: imposter syndrome, always being convinced I just said something that will make people avoid or dislike me, being over critical, over thinking.

I know most people experience these from time to time; they can't be allowed to dominate, that's my problem.

Critique

A short time ago I had the opportunity to spend some time with an established and successful photographer (Stephen Perry). I wanted to review my photography. To discuss how I had improved over the years. Where I could go in the future.

From my sports photography through the family portraits to the model shoots I have been doing lately.

My family and friends all say they like my pictures, and think they are very good. And I like them too.

But what would an impartial observer say? I don't get the chance to speak to more experienced photographers, so it was good to spend a couple of hours just talking about my work.

We concentrated on the pictures on my website. They are afterall my shop window.

I must admit they were a mixture of mostly older pictures. With a lot of sections. But I liked them and thought they showed what I could do.

At times it was a little difficult to hear. Picking out small imperfections or mistakes I had missed. Or suggesting that they just weren't my best work.

At the end of the review I had a lot to think about.

A change to the website structure was the first action point. I needed to simplify it.

Then I needed to look at the pictures on it, and remove a lot of them. And then pick some new content that would showcase only my best work.

The session gave me a new way to look at my pictures. Not only to be very critical of composition, lighting, posing, but the tools I used.

Could I have used a different lens to achieve a better result or effect?

Was the lighting right for the style, and mood I wanted to achieve?

Could I have changed the pose a little?

Did it flatter the subject, show them in the best possible way?

How could I have produced an image that stood out?

I had to look at each scene. Pull together all the elements and tools. And produce a picture that would draw the viewer in, tell a story or display a product at it's very best.

Overall it was a good and needed experience that I hope will improve my photography.

Please checkout my website and facebook page. And leave a comment on this post. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this or any blog post. And my website.

For more of my work, go to my Facebook page.

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